Un-Meetings

“Puisque on ne vivra jamais tout les deux…”

I don’t know why, but sometimes I got the light feeling that my life thinks I’m masoquist… When I think everything will at last settle down, and life will proceed seren and sweet, NOOO… It has to turn everything into a hurricane and make my heart fall into pieces again… ¬¬

The most incredible is that it, my life, has such a very sarcastic and ironic sense of humour, because in this very moment, what fits my situation like a glove is a french song… for someone from China! Alright, this sounds pretty weird even to my ears… but I won’t especify where exactly this person is from, but he will know it when he reads this…

Eight years have passed since we first talked online… And six years since last time we’ve been together… I always left so clear everything I felt for him… He always insisting he loved me as a sister, when everything was saying something else… Communication got broken as the time passed, I’ve begun to get used to the idea that I would never see him ever again… But the love has never faded… It got quite bitter, I can not deny, but never faded… Sooo frustrating…

I never actually understood how can it be that things just seem not to work when everything shows way too crystal-clear that two people are meant to be together… But one may say: Perhaps he doesn’t feels like this… I really wish to believe it, but that’s not what his eyes tell me.

Anyways…

Six years ago it was so easy to tell him straight whatever was going on in my heart and mind… But now… Not anymore… It feels like we’re both just so hurt with each other that there’s a huge gap between us… A deep valley that I don’t know anymore how to cross, and a huge wall that I don’t know how to climb up to reach out his heart… Somethings have not changed, but some others… God, they are killing me inside!

I had forgotten how I admire him… As a friend and as the man of my dreams… I had forgotten how I love the bright of his green eyes (a bit darker now), when he speaks of his love for helping people and sharing about Jesus with them… I had forgotten how I love his smile and lips when he speaks… And how his extreme optimism drives me crazily mad because I envy the way he sees life in such a positive way… 

But what’s really killing me inside is not to know how to tell him how I feel, without running the risk of having him walking away from my life forever… And I don’t know, I just don’t know what is worse… If it’s doing something and pushing him away forever so I can just try again to get used to the idea of living without him, or keep up pretending I can get a life and love someone else, when I know, after all this time, my heart still belongs only to him… I’m divided between hating and loving the very same man, the one I’ve spent all my life waiting for, dreaming to share a lifetime with him…

I know I’ve done somethings that have hurt him so deeply 6 years ago, but I was so immature, childish and windyheaded then… Not that I have changed completely, but I’ve grown so mature in the last few months that I barely recognize myself, except for this mess in my heart right now, and I guess this is just to make sure that I am myself…

These last few days have been so crazy that I’m divided between wishing he does something really odious, so I can hate him and risk him forever from my heart and life; and wishing we can just fix everything up and start again a very new thing, even more wonderful than it was before… I miss the colors of the beginning of our friendship, when I used to send him e-cards everydays… He never missed answering an e-mail mine… But now, everything seems to be so silent between us…

Even my soul is silent…

And my soul being silent is not a good signal at all, because when the music, and all this wonderful mess of feelings that my soul is, gets silent, that means a deep and dark sadness is about to make me close for love, if not forever, at least for a long, long time.

I’m overwhealmed with the things I want and need to tell him, but I just don’t know how to do so… It’s like all the skill of speaking my feelings up has just left me alone and I’m standing in an empty room trying to look for the right words to make him understand how I feel and make sure he won’t mistake it…

But I don’t know how… I never thought I would come to this point, but I just don’t know how to let him know how I feel… And it’s awful to have to post something here just in a useless trying to not sufocate once for all with so many unspoken things… 

Trying to make the best out of this meeting that to me feels more like an un-meeting of souls…

 

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