Replaced

The summer rain sings its drops sweetly outside my window,and here am I, trying to write my heart down again, while breathing the lovely season fragrance… The subject? The same as always: Relationships. Most mine.

For the title, it’s easy to guess that this isn’t a sparkling joyful one, for here I keep asking myself what am I doing so wrong or why do the men really need to be so stupid and idiots? Not so long ago, I’ve posted a let it out in portuguese talking about the two men I admire most and that, if any of them proposed me to marry them, I’d take it without any hesitation. They’re worth it for their character… I just start thinking twice when it comes about them taking the steps towards me. One I can feel what he feels, but it is never clear enough for me and he keeps me on hold until God knows when. The other…

Well, the other had literally acrossed the whole world to spend my birthday with me a couple years ago, treated me as any men should treat their wives or girlfriends, and everything to lie looking into my eyes that he loved me as a sister. And in our last chatting, thing of one or two days ago, he told me he is involved with someone that shares the same birthday as me. I would take it easy if he fell for someone different from me. I really do want his happiness because I do love him, both as friend or as someone that I could possibly think of spending the rest of my days with him, after all, as I said before, his character is worth it. Come on! Whom is he trying to mistake? Everybody knows that when we love someone, and we don’t get to stay with the one we do, we’ll always look for someone at least similar to them. That happens to everybody! But, trying to replace me for someone that shares the same birthday is such a thing that I never thought would hurt the way it is… And I just figure out how wounded I’ve got a couple hours after I talked to him… For two reasons:

First – I am UNIQUE. And if someone really wants to push me away from their friendship is trying to be like me. That makes me feel terribly uncomfortable! But I don’t know the girl, so I can not say how similar to me she is. Second reason – And this one is really making me to begin to HATE my birthday… WHY MY BIRTHDAY? It was the date that my last boyfriend has broken up with me… And why someone so dear would get involved with someone that shares the same birthday as me? And himself has told me they were on an awkward situation because he didn’t valuate the girl as she deserved to be, and I just wonder why… Maybe because instead of she he had someone else on his heart? That curiously shares the very same birthday???? I hate when people try to deny what is so obvious to everybody else. If it was only ME who had noticed his behavior towards me, ok, I could take that maybe I was seeing and taking things the way I’d liked, but no… Even his family had told me he did not talk about me like someone who talks about a friend!

But, even though I’ve figured out I’m not exactly the ideal girl for him, especially for being so temperamental and intempestive, and althought understanding that it would be natural that he has decided keeping some restrictions about me, since I’ve really done things that have hurten him, especially while he was here with me, and I was just trying to make him jealous, to get sure he didn’t care about me much more than of a sister, I can’t bare with the idea of being replaced for someone similar to me… And I get hurt, because he is the only one I would ever take for the case of I need to wake up, possibly in the worst way, of this fairytale I’m living in… This sweet dreamare that sometimes makes my heart burst of joy, but in other just makes my whole world ruins as if it were made of sand…

And as for this one… The only thing I ask him is that he tries to be a little bit more patient with me. It’s not easy at all to know how to act or how to feel when everything is just too nebulous to figure out and the whole picture just seems like a huge puzzle with so many missing pieces… I do not think it is impossible… It’s just that sometimes the reality simply comes and punch you on your face to make you see that life isn’t like in the movies, where everyone always gets a happyily everafter… And it hurts to upfront it. And I’ve learnt to face it wanting or not.

I know it has been quite hard to deal with mt lately, but even though I can feel down easily, if is there something I know pretty well is to smile. No, I’m not the kind of girl that just smile to pretend everything is ok. No, I’m strong enough to put a genuine smile n my face even with every tear falling down from my eyes, and that’s what makes me WHO I AM.

And that’s why I am UNIQUE.

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