Wondering Mind

There are a billion things flying throught my mind right now… Some of them happy, some not at all…. A mix of feelings and dreams and… so much love… Peaceful, seren, caring, passionate… But it hurts me for one single reason: I can not give it fully to the one it belongs to. For a thousand reasons… For reasons I don’t even know…

The only thing I know is that he knows it… He can feel it… And I can feel he does so… But any assurance is taken from me because of the circunstances. And it kills me inside.  People tell me I should move on… Sometimes I myself do tell me it… Sometimes I DO WANT it… But I can’t. Don’t ask me why, this is the only thing I don’t know how to answer… I just know that if I do, if I give up, I’ll be just making the greatest mistake of my whole life. Yet… it is so uncertain… And I feel so blind, waiting in the darkness… for such a long, long time…

I am divided between reason and what my heart does tell me… I remember once I told him: What does my heart feel is just so strong that I think it is impossible that it can be wrong… But I don’t know anything anymore. Since yesterday I’m wondering where did I lost the dreamer and hopeful girl that he has known once? I can only say that she’s becomming more and more hopeless as the time passes…  I’m tired, I remember my most precious treasure, the project I’ve created to him and that is now just another broken dream…

Just another broken dream… 

My best gift, my best hope, my best… My best that was born from a time like this, when I just did not have any dream left… And now… It’s just another broken dream…

But I remember, every effort, full up of joy and hope that I would get it done… Hope… Just another one frustrated… A big project, a great idea for nothing… Sometimes it comforts me that it has meant to him enough to make him get its date as an important mark to his professional life… It makes me feel like he does know the much I love him… It made me feel recognized… Yes… I feel honoured… And I’ve got so mad that I couldn’t celebrate the date beside him…

To be sincere, right now it feels like I’ll never celebrate anything with him… And in these moments I just feel like the best thing to do is giving up… But that would be such a destiny’s irony, because what  has made me fall for him was just the way he has said don’t give up…

Don’t give up…

But I am exhausted!

Don’t give up…

But I can’t figure anything out!

Don’t give up…

If he does love me, why then he doesn’t take any step towards me?????

Don’t give up…

Why the hell keeping me in this agony?

Don’t give up…

But I don’t wanna suffer anymore…

Don’t give up…

But I need to!

Don’t…

I can’t give up… Sometimes I want so bad to, but I just can’t…

And people tell me, move ahead, at least until you get anything concrete… HOW???? If, even so uncertain, things are just tangible enough to me that I know there’s something else, that I just can’t understand right now, but I know there is… And once again I ask: How can you forget what hasn’t even happened yet???? How can you let it go the only thing you dream of, the only thing that has made you see a light when there was only shadows of so many sadnesses at once?

How to let go your only dream? Your only dream…

*Sigh*…

I wish there was an easier way… I wish…

I wish…

I wish…

I do not wish anything but just sharing every second of my life with him… Spending time with our families together, singing Christmas Carols together and playing and giggling and having fun together… The stupid discussions that afterwhile we’ll just recall how pointless they were, and how we’ve got overrule them and see that we can everything together.

Together.

The forgiveness that has been always present, althought all our mistakes… And the way we’ve remaint together even when the circumstances were so against us… A whole world between us… A whole world keeping me from feeling what exactly he does feel… A whole world between us…

And this is the only thing I long for:

That I can love you, and that we can stay, once for all

TOGETHER.

 

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