When everything goes wrong.

Do you know those days, when even to get up from bed is such a fight, a big chalenge, because your whole body hurts and there’s not a piece of yourself in the right place?

So, this is precisely how it is being my day. I didn’t get go to school, because I felt hurting so much that I couldn’t even get up, headache, tummy messed, body hurting like it was all broken… And that horrible feeling like nothing will ever work out in my life.

It’s just one of those days when you don’t feel comfortable with anything, you just look back at the history of your life and everything you get see is how you’ve dreamed big and absolutely nothing has worked, you just can count every time you’ve tried to do something good, and you just didn’t get, sometimes because you weren’t still able to, other because people just didn’t allow you to. Then you feel like you’re not doing your best or that maybe your best is never enough. You feel like every effort of yours is never enough to get reach your goals, you feel like you’re not really doing the effort you need to get reach them…

Then you look inside you and it’s like all your strenghts and energy were drained and you have no idea where are they gone, you look to your messed bedroom and you try, but don’t get find even a drop of energy to clean it up, and you ask yourself: What the heck is going on to me??? You breathe deep, but you don’t get the relief you need, you see the life changing and you feel like you’re stuck on time… Waiting… Waiting what for? And sometimes you don’t even know the answer to that question anymore… And while you’re there, the whole life is changing… Principles and values change, and suddenly it seems like everything you’ve spent your life believing are just completely senseless… Then you ask: What if everything I believe is wrong? And you just don’t get the answer to that question too.  And you’re still there, paralised, sometimes for the fear to just move ahead and lose everything you think you’ve conquered, sometimes just because you’re just too afradi to move ahead, sometimes you just want to keep believing, sometimes just because you need to…

And you keep waiting… Waiting for a chance to do everything good you have in your heart to do, everything you’ve ever dreamed to do to change people’s life for better, you’re just there, just waiting for a chance to change your life, and changing your own life, change other lives too… You’re just there… waiting for a miracle that can make you move out from the place where you are, and that you look around and you just can not see any exit, like anything you’ve done until now wasn’t really enough to make you move, and you have just to stay and wait… Sometimes waiting for others, sometimes waiting for yourself… Yet, waiting.

And while you wait, you do, everything life imposes you to do. School, work, social life, you just do, and then it comes a day like this one, when everything just lose the sense, and you see your energies are gone… And you don’t even know what you’re doing to your life… You write, trying to relieve your soul, but it doesn’t work as you expected to. You play your music, with the hope that you’ll get some pleasure, but it just reflects how dark is your soul at that moment, and there’s no bright, not a sunshine to illuminate that dark day to your heart… Then you say to yourself: it’s just a bad day that shall pass, but at that moment, it seems like it’ll never pass. And you try to find the courage that people say you have, and you don’t reach it. You try to find the talent that your teachers and firends always say that you have and you also don’t see it anywhere, you remember the love of your family, and it’s still not enough to make you feel better… And then you try to scream, but there’s no voice, you try to write, but words don’t say exactly what you mean, you’re desperate to find someone that can understand what you’re trying to say, but there’s not a soul to this, because nobody can measure the size of the pain you’re feeling…

But, as I use to say, it’s just a bad day that shall pass… And well, when the fight is too hard and the moment too dificult, it’s certainly because there’s something very, very good about to happen…

Well… I really hope I’m right this time too…

 

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. You wrote this as if you were talking about my life. For over 20 years I’ve heard people say your going through such and such because something great is going to happen. I’m still waiting. I don’t think my heart can take much more. You see if you keep beating the dog eventually it will not want to come out of his house.

    Like

    • Hey, hey! Cheer up! I know how do you feel. I know precisely… The same happens to me now and then, but we must not lose the hope or the faith. Every hard moment we face, and I am facing one right not that I’m surviving only for God’s mercy, we must take it as a chance for growing and getting stronger! Well, if you need a friend for talking to, you can count on me! ;)

      Like

  2. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I hope your situation comes to an end soon and I hope that we both become strong. Thanks for being there. If you want to chat more maybe we can exchange email addresses. We could be eachothers “pick me up”. X I am also on Twitter will follow you.

    Like

    • You’re more than welcome, Janet! Just let me know when you’re already following me on twitter! Then send me your e-mail via DM, ok? Thank you for reading my blog!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s